I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
