just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
