Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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