haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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