Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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