somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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