I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize