You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
