I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
