1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
