I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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