You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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