I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
