I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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