Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
