Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
