Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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