it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
