how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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