Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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