just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
