Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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