if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
