Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
