I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
