Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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