Don't you send me to vm
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My penis needs a shock collar
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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