...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
