I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
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