eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
