just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
