I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
