I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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