Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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