My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
