i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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