Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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