And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
