break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
