Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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