peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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