We're like a lot better than the average bears
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
