Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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