Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
