I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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