What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
