It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
