hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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