I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
