It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
