Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
