spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
