And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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