OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
