I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
