i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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